Preface
Before you read this, please note that not everyone does these things or has selfish intentions. Some people are genuine. I know who they are. I know who my family is, and isn’t. I know that I have a lot of genuine and beautiful love around me in the spaces I spend time in. I don’t fault anyone for being intrigued or their admiration. This about folks being selfish and masking their selfish needs with the false idea of love. This about manipulators and vampires. People that suck the life out of you and compliment you while they do it. This is about the dehumanization of the people burning themselves out for their actual love for people. We show our love with our work.
The Word Love
Every single day I get a lot of people that say to me that they love me, and then I return it. I get it online. I get it at events. Some people say it everyday. Some people say it once in a while. Some people mean it. Some people don’t. Some people may love something I do. Some people may love the idea of me that they have painted in their head. Some people like how they look when they say it. Some people say it just because they need to hear me say it back. Some people say it to everyone, and maybe they actually love the world and all the people. I can usually tell who means it and who doesn’t. I can always tell who just need to hear me say it to them and sometimes need it to be seen publicly. People that love you show you they love you. When someone loves you its because they love you, they don’t need anything back from you. They don’t need anything publicly from you. They aren’t needy for your attention. They aren’t worried about how they look. Vampires come in many forms and it’s draining.
Occupying Space and Time
Early in the existence of our chapter, I had an assembly member invite me to their office in the capitol building. At the time, our chapter had some big public fights on our hands, and I thought this may be an opportunity to get some legislative support related to our work. So I drove around downtown for about 30 minutes looking for a parking spot that was a 30 minute only spot. It was super hot that day so THAT wasn’t very comfortable. Finally parked a few blocks from the capitol and walked to the capitol, around the capitol to an entrance side, into the capitol through the metal detector, up the elevator to the floor their office was on, and then into their office where I was seated till they could see me. I went in the office and sat on a couch. At the time I needed a new purse so the handle on mine was shredding and I know that shit looks broke af. Staffers sat around me while the assembly member sat in a chair across from me just staring at me. Then they went on to tell me how excited they were to have me in their office. Then they told me a few stories in relation to their work, and connections, to the Black community. They didn’t really want to hear me say anything though. Before I knew it, 30 minutes was up (didn’t know the time was limited in advance) and I was rushed out because they had an appointment that was following ours.
I’ve had people want to sit down for coffee to “see how they can help” only to ask me for our help with something they are doing that has nothing to do with the work we are currently doing for free. Without even addressing any kind of reciprocation. I have had people ask me to coffee just to be around me. I know that sounds arrogant, and I promise that isn’t my intentions. I just don’t like to be used. You want to see me? Come to where I am at. Come out and help with this work that we are barely carrying.
Hold My Pain
I recently posted on Facebook asking why I don’t ever see you. The reason I posted it is because there are some people in this movement that I love and appreciate so much, and I wish that I saw them more..be it working or in a more relaxed space. The first person that posted an illness they had, as a reason why I rarely see them…I embraced what they said. I told them that I would support what they needed when they were ready to be out. I meant it. I love that person and I know they’re intentions are never bad, and always good. Shortly after that I got a long list of people giving me their reasons. Laying heavy on their needs. Laying heavy on their need for sympathy. Wanting me to be their provider. There is nothing wrong with needing sympathy, but if you don’t already know I hold a lot of peoples pain. Not small pain but “the loss of a loved ones” pain. The “fighting for my life” kinda pain. I am an empath. I’m not a therapist. I am a human fighting for my community. Why would people I barely know have the expectation that I have the power, and emotional capacity, to make it all better? I too have anxiety. I too have been abused. I am a Black woman. I fight for my community against the largest gangs in our city. I am followed, harassed, threatened, my space has been occupied by nazis and police on more than one occasion. With that comes anxiety, depression, and the list goes on. I am trying to learn how to heal myself, and you think I can hold your weight at the same time? That’s selfish and inconsiderate. Yes you should get help…but from someone that can help you. Then let me know who they are so I can get some help too.
I’m So Busy Tho
This one’ll be quick. Please don’t ever in your life tell me that you work and go to school so you are too busy to do this work. We have people in our chapter that work and go to school. We have people in our chapter that work, go to school, AND do an internship. We have people in our chapter that are mothers, work, go to school, and have an internship. We have people that work two jobs and do this work. We have people that work two jobs, do this work, while pregnant. I work a 10 hour shift 4 days a week, and then use my 3 days off to work 10-12 hours each of those days, in this community…with no pay or no units toward a degree. So please, in the words of LeiKeli47 “miss me with that bullshit.”
I Love the Work You Do but I Never Help You With That Work
Lastly, one of my favorites. “Tanya I am so proud of you, anything you need” or “Tanya I am so proud of you, I am going to start helping out soon……”
Or this one, “How can I start getting active, you are doing such good work?” If you know the work we are doing then you know when and where to show up. Unless you are full of shit and just want to say something supportive. In that case, please don’t. I sincerely don’t have time for folks to talk to me about what they are going to do. I need to talk about what you are doing, or you just need to be doing it and not saying anything.
Tanya Faison 
❤